My Personal Roller Coaster: Learning to Love Myself

Photo by Womanizer Toys on Unsplash Sex. Depending on our our backgrounds and how we were raised, it can be a taboo topic.  But it's a completely natural part of life.  Even if we've had negative experiences, we should be able to talk about it without shame or guilt.  Heck, if we've only had positive experiences, we should be able to talk about it without shame or guilt.  The negativity surrounding sex is archaic.  Yet we still find ourselves referring to women who've had multiple partners as whores, sluts, and hoes (and I'm sure other terms that are more "today.")  Rape victims are still asked, "Were you leading them on? What did you do to cause this?"  Society has taken a wonderful, pleasurable act between people and tainted it to fit their societal norms.  It's sad really. I moved in with my dad and stepmom when I was 9.  They are religious people and as Christians, preached abstinence and sex is only for marriage.  Like many teens in the

photo by  Svitlana Rusak Sometimes we don't realize how crazy our lives are until we are talking to someone else. I remember years ago, while attending this cognitive behavior therapy class, talking about my childhood, and realizing it wasn't normal. Sure, there were normal parts: school, family, church, etc. But then there were the parts about sleeping on strangers couches because there had been a party my mom attended and brought me in tow. Sometimes I was set up in a backroom somewhere with a TV and a mattress on the floor and didn't see anyone for hours while I watched Time Bandits and read "The Monster at the End of this Book". That particular incident occurred on Easter Eve (I think I was about 4 or 5 years old) and I'll never forget how I wondered if the Easter Bunny would find me. If he'd leave eggs to hunt in the grass outside. If he'd leave a basket of treats near my mattress as a surprise in the morning. No, none of those things happe

Writing has always played an important role in my life.  I discovered the joys of creative writing in the 4th grade.  I was an avid reader and decided that I could write fantastical stories similar to the books I escaped into.  I started by writing one or two pages, but by the end of 4th grade, I could easily fill 20+ pages of lined paper, both sides, no spaces.  No teacher really wanted to read that though, so I learned to tell shorter stories with illustrations (also by me). In 6th grade I had a best friend who also enjoyed writing.  She struggled more with spelling and grammar, but didn't care when we wrote together.  We created two female characters and they would go on adventures, fall in love with boys, and babysit.  Yes, we were huge fans of The Babysitter's Club books by Anne M. Martin.  We were also fans of The New Micky Mouse club so our characters became key elements of fan fiction.  Her and I would take turns writing different stories involving both our characters

As I sit to write, I struggle.  My head is full of words and ideas, but sorting them is a chore.  Could this be why I'm tired all the time?  Focusing on one thought is difficult.  Ideas pulse in my brain.  This is one reason I stopped writing to begin with.  The motivation to write was over powered by the jumble in my head.  My eyes are constantly darting around the room.  Sometimes I look at the computer, sometimes at the dogs, but never in one place for very long.  All I want is a clear thought.  Instead I have 20 messy ones: Girl scouts, Christmas, pick up my kid, what to cook for dinner, just to name a few.  Focus, focus.....I simple can't . This is what it's like for me every day.  It's become worse that past few months.  When I'm home, I just want to sit and watch TV.  It's the only time my mind is somewhat focused on something.  Usually two things because I can't just sit and watch TV.  I also feel the need to play a game on my phone.  I play an

Where do I begin?  How do I begin?  Why am I here.  Well, I guess I should start with that.   I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD.  My husband has high functioning ASD (and probably a few other disorders) and my son, who is currently 11 has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), ADHD, and high functioning ASD.  My oldest daughter, currently 15, has PTSD, depression, and juvenile psoriatic arthritis.  My youngest, currently 6, is still to be determined.  I pray she's the normal one.  Normal being used loosely, as she's extremely articulate and well spoken for a 6 year old, strong-willed, and has a curiosity that could rival any cat.  When I say normal, I'd like to see her be disorder free.   Why am I here?  As you can imagine, my life is a constant of ups and downs.  I know this is the same for everyone, but it seems lately, my downs are lingering.  I have very little motivation beyond getting up and that's often a struggle.  I'm tired all the time and have di