Sex. Depending on our our backgrounds and how we were raised, it can be a taboo topic. But it's a completely natural part of life. Even if we've had negative experiences, we should be able to talk about it without shame or guilt. Heck, if we've only had positive experiences, we should be able to talk about it without shame or guilt. The negativity surrounding sex is archaic. Yet we still find ourselves referring to women who've had multiple partners as whores, sluts, and hoes (and I'm sure other terms that are more "today.") Rape victims are still asked, "Were you leading them on? What did you do to cause this?" Society has taken a wonderful, pleasurable act between people and tainted it to fit their societal norms. It's sad really.
I moved in with my dad and stepmom when I was 9. They are religious people and as Christians, preached abstinence and sex is only for marriage. Like many teens in the 90's, I took an abstinence pledge. It's easy to do when you are 14 and aren't allowed to date until you are 16. It's easy to say, "I can wait" when you haven't met a hormonal boy and your own hormones aren't raging yet. I did meet a boy soon after, and we messed around, but I wasn't ready for that next step. I suspect it was one of the reasons we eventually broke up. And that's O.K. I held my ground on something I wasn't ready to dive into. That wasn't because of my vow, that was because I didn't want to at that time. Even then, I understood that.
When I was almost 16, I met another boy. Man did I fall hard for him. He could make me laugh like no one else I knew and that was important to me. I wasn't allowed to date him until I was 16 and my dad could have the, "don't touch my daughter because it's against the will of God" speech with him. But we were able to participate in group activities; movies with friends, hanging at the roller rink, going to the beach as a group, etc. I fell madly in love with him. After I turned 16, I could not get my dad to make the time to give his talk, so we still weren't going out on one-on-one dates. That hadn't stopped us from making out or messing around. If there's a will, there is a way. I rode home with him after a beach party, one sunny summer day. Our parents were working, we were worked up from being sweaty in the sun with hardly any clothes on, and IT happened. Did I care that I broke my pledge? No. I didn't even feel bad because it was something I was ready to do. I wanted to have sex. My Christian guilt never set in. In fact, several months later, my parents found out. They lost it; disappointed in me, sad that I had broken my promise, etc. They asked me if I felt bad about it and I told them I did not. Despite all the propaganda I'd been taught, I didn't feel that what I'd done was wrong. I liked sex. Of course, there must be something wrong with me. No, no there isn't. Somehow I was able to accept my sexual self at an earlier age then most, and despite the odds, I didn't feel like I was "bad" because of it.
I married that boy just before I was 20. We separated when I was 25. We had wonderful sex together during that time, and even some after until our divorce. Unfortunately, I was committed to him but he found someone else. Not because of the sex, it was far more complicated then that. But that's for another post. Anyway, God brought another man into my life when I was about 26. On our first date, he stayed the night, and never left. It was meant to be. Now despite how accepting I was with sex, when he told me he wanted to try "swinging", I found myself hiding behind my religious upbringing. Wasn't sex just for one person? How can you be with someone but also other people, all together...like, oh my god...an orgy??!! That can't be right, can it??? After a lot of persuasion, I let my guard down and agreed to give it a try. And you know what? Not only was I not struck down by lightning, I enjoyed it. We had established rules, the main one being we only participated together unless we had permission from the other to play separately (which did occur once or twice for me). For a couple of years we participated regularly, then it became sporadic until about 2012 when we pretty much stopped all together. By that time we had two kids of our own and it was hard to get away for all night parties. For me, that time was a wonderful time of exploration. Once I got over the ideas society had placed in my head about sex and marriage, I was able to accept the immense sexual being I am. I like girls almost as much as I like men (another Christian taboo). I enjoyed a good threesome, foursome, or more. Still do, although it's been an eternity since I've participated in one. I learned that sex can be fun and pleasurable and doesn't have to be about love, but about a simple connection between people.
Fast forward years later. I've been monogamous for the past 10 years, by choice. My husband and I are divorcing as we are on different paths at this time. I'm back in the dating world, which I have no idea how to maneuver because I've "dated" exactly 3 people in my life, two of which I married. I'm not ready to do Tinder or any such apps because I'm more of an organic person, but I also would really like to have sex right now. I haven't had sex since January (it's March) which is the longest time I've gone since my first husband and I separated. It's very frustrating. I really want sex! But I have also been worried what other guys might think of me. Recently, after speaking with someone shyly about my experiences and desires, I realized I should never be ashamed of this part of me. If they don't like it, they can f**k right off. I enjoy sex. I have a colorful sexual past that I refuse to regret. At 45, I am fully accepting my sexual self: the good, the bad, the extra naughty. I like sex. I want sex right now. But I have a few other things to work on in order to love myself so I'll just have to wait....maybe.
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