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So Here I Am....

Where do I begin?  How do I begin?  Why am I here.  Well, I guess I should start with that.  

I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD.  My husband has high functioning ASD (and probably a few other disorders) and my son, who is currently 11 has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), ADHD, and high functioning ASD.  My oldest daughter, currently 15, has PTSD, depression, and juvenile psoriatic arthritis.  My youngest, currently 6, is still to be determined.  I pray she's the normal one.  Normal being used loosely, as she's extremely articulate and well spoken for a 6 year old, strong-willed, and has a curiosity that could rival any cat.  When I say normal, I'd like to see her be disorder free.  

Why am I here?  As you can imagine, my life is a constant of ups and downs.  I know this is the same for everyone, but it seems lately, my downs are lingering.  I have very little motivation beyond getting up and that's often a struggle.  I'm tired all the time and have difficulty dealing with my kids, my husband, and people around me.  I just want to sit on the couch and veg.  After I do that, I hate myself for doing nothing.  I try to accomplish little things: a load of laundry, some dirty dishes, random trash around the house, etc.  But it's never enough.  There's always so much more to be done.  So I become overwhelmed again and return to the couch where I veg.  

I'm here because it helps to write, or so they say.  I've always enjoyed writing, but I haven't done it in awhile.  My brain hasn't been clear enough to get the words out.  I often think about writing, but it's usually when I'm in bed or driving; not great places to suddenly have the desire to write.  

Tonight I decided to sit and write whatever comes out.  Good or bad, I don't care.  I'd prefer good, of course, but right now, writing is writing.  I doubt anyone will read this anyway.  Maybe, eventually, I'll have content people will care about, but for now, I just need to write.  

No, I don't want to hurt myself or others, I'm just blue.  I don't enjoy feeling this way.  After my last breakdown at the doctor's office, they put me on medication.  I've been avoiding it for years because I've been on meds before with little success.  But there are so many, that maybe, just maybe, we'll find something that's right for me.  

So here I am, trying to get it out.  Trying to heal the damage.  I'm supposed to make myself write every day, so, I'll try.  It's not like I don't have a lot to say, I do, but it's often a jumble, swirling around in my head with 4,000 other things.  I even have a few novels hanging out in there.  Maybe one day, I'll get those down too.  

For now, here's a picture of me on a happy day.  I hope to have that smile again soon.


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