The Things We Normalize

photo by Svitlana Rusak

Sometimes we don't realize how crazy our lives are until we are talking to someone else. I remember years ago, while attending this cognitive behavior therapy class, talking about my childhood, and realizing it wasn't normal. Sure, there were normal parts: school, family, church, etc. But then there were the parts about sleeping on strangers couches because there had been a party my mom attended and brought me in tow. Sometimes I was set up in a backroom somewhere with a TV and a mattress on the floor and didn't see anyone for hours while I watched Time Bandits and read "The Monster at the End of this Book". That particular incident occurred on Easter Eve (I think I was about 4 or 5 years old) and I'll never forget how I wondered if the Easter Bunny would find me. If he'd leave eggs to hunt in the grass outside. If he'd leave a basket of treats near my mattress as a surprise in the morning. No, none of those things happened. The quiet disappointment I felt in the morning as I quickly checked the grass outside for eggs. Or the sadness I felt when the basket of treats was no where to be found in the stranger's house. Even as a small child, I worked hard to hide my disappointment. What good would it do? No one would understand it. I wasn't sure anyone would even care. 

 

Hiding my disappointment became normal for me. My parents, all of them, were pleased by a good, quiet little girl, so that's what I strived for. Even when my mom was 8 hours late picking me up from my dad's house, I simply pushed those feelings down and said, "that's okay." It was normal for me and I figured that sort of thing was normal for other people too. As an adult, I was asked questions regarding my childhood, by a family friend. One who had often been at those parties with my mom. I remember her telling my what a melancholy child I was and asking, "what did you think about all of that? What did you think was going on?" I answered, "I just figured it was always someone's birthday." As a kid, that is what makes sense. Why have a party if it's not someone's birthday? As an adult, I know that's silly. I like parties. I like any excuse to be with people and drink a little. But I also don't tend to take my kids along with me. And I get that my mom was a young, single mom. She probably felt she didn't have much of a choice; working all week, taking care of a kid, and wanting to enjoy life all at once. But from my perspective, sleeping on couches or in backrooms should not have been my normal. Hiding my disappointment to please others should not have been my normal. 

I remember after my first husband and I separated and I was seeing my 2nd husband. On the weekends we didn't have my daughter, because she was with her dad, we would go out and have fun. More then once, we pushed back the time I was supposed to pick up my daughter because we were having fun. I really hated it. I hated picking her up late to cater to my own selfish needs. But like with so much in my life, I couldn't express why. I couldn't find the words to say, "hey, my mom was late a lot, picking me up, and it sucked. I don't want to do that to my daughter." I just shoved those feelings down and didn't really express to my partner why I didn't want to be late. I listened as my ex gave me crap for being late even though I was the primary care giver and spent a lot of time with our child. I held those feelings inside instead of saying, "hey, you walked out on us and now you spend the bare minimum time with your child. Suck it up, I'll get there when I get there." 

I'm a work in progress. I'm working on expressing my feelings and not shoving them down so far I get anxiety. Or shoving them down until I'm so full I explode. Both are common side effects. We all need to normalize sharing our past and expressing our feelings in a calm manner, free from judgement. While sleeping on couches of strangers may not be normal for most, there are things others are experiencing that may seem just as outlandish to us, but appear normal to them. Sharing our stories and experiences is how we grow, change, and see ourselves differently. This is what should be normal. No fear, only conversation.