My Personal Roller Coaster: Learning to Love Myself

  I used to sing all the time.  It started with Disney records and tapes, Kids Praise albums, and Wee Sing Silly Songs, which I played while hanging out in my room or cleaning.  As I got older it graduated to Broadway musicals (Phantom of the Opera was my favorite), 50's bubble gum pop, and The Beach Boys.  By the time I hit high school I was in choir as a first soprano and sang almost non-stop.  I came home from school and blasted loud music, still usually show tunes or Disney (because that's where my range was most comfortable), while I did my chores.  No one was home so I could be as free as I wanted, sometimes acting out musicals, without judgement from anyone but myself.  Singing was pure joy and freedom...when no one was watching.   I had a friend growing up who was a performer.  We were in the children's choir at our church together and she was the one who always got the female solos.  She was good, but it had more to do with...

Writing has always played an important role in my life.  I discovered the joys of creative writing in the 4th grade.  I was an avid reader and decided that I could write fantastical stories similar to the books I escaped into.  I started by writing one or two pages, but by the end of 4th grade, I could easily fill 20+ pages of lined paper, both sides, no spaces.  No teacher really wanted to read that though, so I learned to tell shorter stories with illustrations (also by me). In 6th grade I had a best friend who also enjoyed writing.  She struggled more with spelling and grammar, but didn't care when we wrote together.  We created two female characters and they would go on adventures, fall in love with boys, and babysit.  Yes, we were huge fans of The Babysitter's Club books by Anne M. Martin.  We were also fans of The New Micky Mouse club so our characters became key elements of fan fiction.  Her and I would take turns writing different s...

As I sit to write, I struggle.  My head is full of words and ideas, but sorting them is a chore.  Could this be why I'm tired all the time?  Focusing on one thought is difficult.  Ideas pulse in my brain.  This is one reason I stopped writing to begin with.  The motivation to write was over powered by the jumble in my head.  My eyes are constantly darting around the room.  Sometimes I look at the computer, sometimes at the dogs, but never in one place for very long.  All I want is a clear thought.  Instead I have 20 messy ones: Girl scouts, Christmas, pick up my kid, what to cook for dinner, just to name a few.  Focus, focus.....I simple can't . This is what it's like for me every day.  It's become worse that past few months.  When I'm home, I just want to sit and watch TV.  It's the only time my mind is somewhat focused on something.  Usually two things because I can't just sit and watch TV.  I also f...

Where do I begin?  How do I begin?  Why am I here.  Well, I guess I should start with that.   I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD.  My husband has high functioning ASD (and probably a few other disorders) and my son, who is currently 11 has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), ADHD, and high functioning ASD.  My oldest daughter, currently 15, has PTSD, depression, and juvenile psoriatic arthritis.  My youngest, currently 6, is still to be determined.  I pray she's the normal one.  Normal being used loosely, as she's extremely articulate and well spoken for a 6 year old, strong-willed, and has a curiosity that could rival any cat.  When I say normal, I'd like to see her be disorder free.   Why am I here?  As you can imagine, my life is a constant of ups and downs.  I know this is the same for everyone, but it seems lately, my downs are lingering.  I have very little motivation beyond getting up and t...