Skip to main content

Find Your Joy

 


I used to sing all the time.  It started with Disney records and tapes, Kids Praise albums, and Wee Sing Silly Songs, which I played while hanging out in my room or cleaning.  As I got older it graduated to Broadway musicals (Phantom of the Opera was my favorite), 50's bubble gum pop, and The Beach Boys.  By the time I hit high school I was in choir as a first soprano and sang almost non-stop.  I came home from school and blasted loud music, still usually show tunes or Disney (because that's where my range was most comfortable), while I did my chores.  No one was home so I could be as free as I wanted, sometimes acting out musicals, without judgement from anyone but myself.  Singing was pure joy and freedom...when no one was watching.  

I had a friend growing up who was a performer.  We were in the children's choir at our church together and she was the one who always got the female solos.  She was good, but it had more to do with her confidence and performance skills.  I, on the other hand, got nervous when people stared at me, so solos were hard to come by.  I did get them here and there, but nothing like my friend did.  I was defiantly more comfortable during the acting portion of our church plays then the solo singing portion.  But I internalized it.  For no reason really.  It's not like people made fun of me.  I simply spent more time comparing myself to her then accepting myself and my gifts.  I often forgot that she was in training for performance.  She took classes in singing, dance, and theater.  I only had the practice sessions, on my own, in my bedroom, with no one around.

My elementary and middle schools held a talent show every year.  My best friend and I almost always performed together.  We picked some silly songs and performed them in front of the entire school and then again for families.  Songs like "The Siamese Cat Song" from Disney's Lady and the Tramp.  We dressed up like cats and sang our little hearts out.  I don't know why THAT confidence failed to carry over to my church or high school choir. Most likely because I had turned choir into a competition, in my head, of course.  Singing was a joy for me, when it was for fun, on my terms, and not because I was trying to prove something.    

Isn't that what most things in life should be?  Whatever brings us joy, should do just that. It shouldn't be about trying to prove you're the best at it.  Hobbies, whatever they are, should be about making yourself happy and no one else.  Do you like to paint?  Then do it because it makes you happy, not because you think it'll be in a gallery some day.  Singing?  Sing for yourself.  That doesn't mean you can't perform, but if performing causes you anxiety or you suddenly feel the need to be better then someone else, then stop and think about why you started singing in the first place.  Anything that brings you joy, do it for you. Don't worry about trying to be impressive or the best, just simply be happy.  

At some point in the last 20 years, I stopped singing.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe with all that has happened in my life, I didn't feel I deserved to be happy.  I have decided that is BULLSHIT.  I absolutely deserve to be happy!  With that realization, I have begun to sing again.  In the car, while I'm getting ready to go out, and especially when I'm making dinner for me and my kids. At first they questioned me.  Now they just leave me alone to belt out whatever genre I'm into for the day.  It's made me wish I had sung like this over the past 15 years or so.  I am truly happy when I am singing.   

Find your joy and do it.  Sing like no one is watching, even if they are.  








Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

So Here I Am....

Where do I begin?  How do I begin?  Why am I here.  Well, I guess I should start with that.   I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD.  My husband has high functioning ASD (and probably a few other disorders) and my son, who is currently 11 has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), ADHD, and high functioning ASD.  My oldest daughter, currently 15, has PTSD, depression, and juvenile psoriatic arthritis.  My youngest, currently 6, is still to be determined.  I pray she's the normal one.  Normal being used loosely, as she's extremely articulate and well spoken for a 6 year old, strong-willed, and has a curiosity that could rival any cat.  When I say normal, I'd like to see her be disorder free.   Why am I here?  As you can imagine, my life is a constant of ups and downs.  I know this is the same for everyone, but it seems lately, my downs are lingering.  I have very little motivation beyond getting up and t...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Things We Normalize

photo by  Svitlana Rusak Sometimes we don't realize how crazy our lives are until we are talking to someone else. I remember years ago, while attending this cognitive behavior therapy class, talking about my childhood, and realizing it wasn't normal. Sure, there were normal parts: school, family, church, etc. But then there were the parts about sleeping on strangers couches because there had been a party my mom attended and brought me in tow. Sometimes I was set up in a backroom somewhere with a TV and a mattress on the floor and didn't see anyone for hours while I watched Time Bandits and read "The Monster at the End of this Book". That particular incident occurred on Easter Eve (I think I was about 4 or 5 years old) and I'll never forget how I wondered if the Easter Bunny would find me. If he'd leave eggs to hunt in the grass outside. If he'd leave a basket of treats near my mattress as a surprise in the morning. No, none of those things happe...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Jumble in My Head

As I sit to write, I struggle.  My head is full of words and ideas, but sorting them is a chore.  Could this be why I'm tired all the time?  Focusing on one thought is difficult.  Ideas pulse in my brain.  This is one reason I stopped writing to begin with.  The motivation to write was over powered by the jumble in my head.  My eyes are constantly darting around the room.  Sometimes I look at the computer, sometimes at the dogs, but never in one place for very long.  All I want is a clear thought.  Instead I have 20 messy ones: Girl scouts, Christmas, pick up my kid, what to cook for dinner, just to name a few.  Focus, focus.....I simple can't . This is what it's like for me every day.  It's become worse that past few months.  When I'm home, I just want to sit and watch TV.  It's the only time my mind is somewhat focused on something.  Usually two things because I can't just sit and watch TV.  I also f...
Post a Comment
Read more